Oh Gossip Girl, how I have missed you, let me count the ways:
- I have missed actively screaming at you.
- I have missed wishing you hired someone whose sole job was continuity and someone else whose role was to remind you about all of those random plot twists and turns that faded into nothingness over the last five seasons.
- I have missed promising myself that I will never watch this godforsaken programme again only to tune in the following week.
And now you’re back! Hurray! But as the voiceover said (hammering a little into that fourth wall), “I’ve got a feeling this fall could be my last season.” Well, more than a feeling. The sixth and final season of Gossip Girl began with “Gone Maybe Gone,” an episode that — after a montage of Blair and Chuck having sex and Serena snorting coke on the Metro North — leaps four months forward into our fictional present, but not before Georgina tells Dan that the smuttier bits in his Scathing Tell All Novel are “fifty shades of boring.” Glad we got that pun out of the way quickly.
Chuck also ventured out of his normal haunts and went to look at the last project his father worked on “before he, how do I put this delicately? Fakedied.” All of a sudden the ridiculous storylines come rushing back to us. Do we care about Bass Industries, by the way? I suppose some are still fighting for Chuck’s global domination but honestly I feel as though he should accept that his dad is taking everything back and maybe seek out or start up a Fake Death Victims Support Group. I’m sure many television characters would attend.
Not unlike Gossip Girl herself, I really couldn’t care less where Serena is and don’t understand why everyone wants to find her. She’s left Manhattan, rejoice one and all! But no… the troupe troops on up and one snarky Blair comment later, Serena returns to her old stomping ground with a very big smirk on her face. Oh goodness help us.
With regards to other blonde characters I don’t care about (it’s okay for me to say that, I’m blonde) Ivy Dickens and Lily VDW have a moment of ~tension~ when Lily pays Rufus a visit and finds Ivy’s cardigan on the arm of an otherwise spotless apartment. Ivy is manipulating Rufus who really deserves whatever silly punishment she’s cooked up because he’s extremely dense and doesn’t seem to be aware that frowning a lot doesn’t make you serious and wise. I didn’t expect to see as much of Ivy and Rufus as we did this episode. Let’s just say the closing scenes did more to confuse me (whose leg is that? How is that comfortable? Is that Dan’s room?) than shock me.
We all know my favourite part of Gossip Girl is not the character development (HA!) or various ways in which Nate fails to matter but rather those lines that creep into the script and make the episodes enjoyable. Georgina, as annoying as she is, probably won the Best Lines competition for this episode with her crazy babbling – ”I would just like to point out that most serial killers are high functioning members of society” – and jabs at Serena: ”mouth to mouth on public transportation, yeah I consider that rock bottom.” Blair places as a runner-up for “either she’s the bride or she’s just really tacky” (really tacky, apparently) and Dan wins Most YES THIS!!!! Lines of the episode with: ”I didn’t lose you to Chuck, I lost you to the idea of Chuck? You think you two have an epic love but all you have are excuses.” But then again: I dare to Dair.
All in all a mediocre opening to what I hope will be a scandalous and inconsistent final season of Gossip Girl. Here’s what we have to expect next week and let me know what you thought of “Gone Maybe Gone” in the comments below: