Hold on to your pretty Central Park horses, what on Earth was that all about on Gossip Girl Monday night? The LeakyNews editors are still in shock. First of all, it’s quite remarkable how the writers charge on with no concern for plot holes or character inconsistency, but it happens every series, so it’s even more impressive that their inconsistency continues to surprise me. Questionable gold stars all around? But first let’s address the Liz Hurley situation.
Liz Hurley (or strictly, her character Diana, who came out of freaking nowhere this season and wormed her way into the Upper East Side social scene with about as much effort as it takes Nate to look vacant) spends most of the episode in her signature tight dresses and perfectly fluffed hair looking a carefully crafted combination of devious and distressed. “I’m a woman who has lived. I have plenty to hide,” quoth Diana and Hurley manages for a moment to tone down the attempts at seducing the viewer to make you feel kind of sorry for her. For about five minutes.
As regular readers will know, Diana’s is normally a storyline I care very little about, but it was clear to me from the get go that this was going to set up a Big Revelation. But it never, ever, ever, ever occurred to me that the revelation was going to be that the slinky investor and ex-girlfriend of Captain Vacant Stare was Chuck Bass’ long lost mother. The reason it never occurred to me is because it is quite clearly ridiculous! I’ll give the show credit for getting the reactions of Chuck Bass and the guy who has been shagging his mother, Captain Vacant, bang on — they looked sufficiently annoyed and creeped and it genuinely seemed as though the actors were as stunned by the crazy revelation as we were. Kudos to tricksy Lola for attempting to cancel her upload to Gossip Girl when she realised the scale of what Diana was telling Serena and how serious an issue it is for Chuck. If it had been anyone else (coughSerenacough) and to their plot-tacular advantage, by golly they would have recorded it and sent it in to Gossip Girl without a care.
Can we also talk about Captain Vacant’s crappy treatment of his girlfriend? God forbid Serena stays in Nate’s bad books for more than an episode or that he properly pays attention to Lola’s concerns, but he really should be a bit more subtle about how stupid he is and maybe listen to one of the few unaffected people on this program. Note: when Lola asked Nate, ”have you ever wondered who Gossip Girl actually is?” this editor let out an audible groan. Because the answer to that is of course, YES. EVERY SEASON. IT’S BORING. LET’S MOVE ON. Except now Gossip Girl is Serena and she’s on track to be recognised for how scummy and selfish she really is, I almost find myself wishing they’d spend a bit more time on that question… oh goodness what’s happening to me?
Apparently other things happened in the episode. Serena sabotaged her cousin’s super important audition (shocker) because Lola had the gall to indirectly tell her that she was irrelevant. Someone should tell Serena every day until she runs out of crappy revenge ideas and finally starts to consider that maybe, just maybe, she is irrelevant. I’ll give her this: Serena does have really nice clothes. I loved that studded black dress thing and the dress she lent to Lola, too. So if she can leave her wardrobe and kindly get on a boat and get out of the country, all will be well (as long as she doesn’t come to Britain).
Boring Lily and Rufus back and forth we-love-each-other-we-can’t-love-each-other storyline is so boring, but as is the case with many of the dullest moments in Gossip Girl episodes it set up Dan’s feisty and historically accurate, “shouldn’t you two be reconciling with each other in the midst of a teary embrace?” Yes. Yes they should. It won’t end well for the blonde van der Woodsens, or at least that’s my hope because they’re being really silly. Let’s not honour my dead mother’s wishes, no, let’s get annoyed when my husband stops a girl my mother loved from being homeless. Honestly.
Thankfully, Dan and Blair continue to be the best thing since chocolate. Their bedtime Damien Hirst debate, Dorota bringing out the eggs, their couple newspaper reading session, their desire to appeal to the intellectual circuit…oh be still my heart.
Check out all of the goodies for next week’s episode, “Despicable B”, in this post. Promo pics, promo videos and a marginally worrying synopsis, oh my! Gossip Girl airs on The CW on Mondays at 8/7c.