No I Don’t Have Time to Breathe I’m Watching Gossip Girl

This week’s episode of Gossip Girl – “Raiders of the Lost Art” — literally deprived me of the ability to respire. The last third of the episode in particular was so full of suspense and what will happen and what will they say and DAMNIT DAN WHY DID YOU LIE TO BLAIR and small smiles from the ever amiable Dorota and Serena eating berries in the dark and OH MY GOD SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME AN INHALER RIGHT NOW.

Okay. Okay. When this episode began, I was a cynic. I was going to write this post about how everything has all dried up, how there’s nothing to root for, how I’m bored and don’t care who Gossip Girl is, blah blah blah blah the only joy in life is Dan and Blair and it’s 50/50 whether they’ll mess that up or not blah blah blah. So the episode begins in part with a shot of Serena van der Woodsen (involuntary groan) attached to her poisoned apple Gossip Girl laptop. “All you do every day is type type type,” says Dorota, despairingly. Darling, you’re preaching to the choir. I’m sure we all saw someone we know in Dorota’s please-get-away-from-the-screen expression. But then the killer… Vanya’s a Warcraft fan and Dorota’s not too impressed with the DSL bill. DSL, by the way, does not stand for “Dorota’s Special Loving” or even “Dan’s Sexy Loving” but is instead the weird American way of referring to broadband Internet connections. Nutty bastards.

Nate, at least, has finally worked out that all of his friends are crazy when he says “it takes a special level of crazy to go that far to hide your secrets.” Meanwhile, our favorite couple continue to be snappy and dappy, saying smashing things like “OGB…ORIGINAL GANGSTA BLAIR” and “now be gone!” Who could ask for more?

Weird agent Alessandra establishes herself as a recurring pain in the arse when she tells Dan, “when artists fall in love their work invariably suffers.” Bite me, you’re not telling him that because it’s true, you’re doing it because it’s a convenient plot point, you shadow of a character. While we’re on recurring pains in the collective arse, can we get Blair to walk around with a jacket that has ”Chuck, I don’t have time for any of your nonsense, I have a very busy day planned” emblazoned on the back? Then can we get one for all of the characters that says “Serena” instead of “Chuck?” Fabulous, thanks. I’ll take a thousand.

Blair’s Diana Payne impersonation was quite possibly the best thing I’ve seen this morning (and I’ve been on tumblr for hours), closely followed by her line, “this is my cipher slide, don’t you have one?” Someone cast Leighton Meester as a villain in a spy thriller, stat. Wait, no, I lie; best line of the episode was this:

“But unfortunately the entire clue trail hangs by the flimsiest of threads: Nate’s long-term memory.”

Oh you, Blair Waldorf. You’re too good to us.

My only notes for the “Lucia” portion of the episode were as follows: yeah right what the f. I mean, I’ve come to love Dan as much as anyone, but is there a single part of me that believes Inside is up there with White Noise? No. Not for a second. But maybe that’s just because I’m a snobby lit student. It’s nice that–being a 21st century boyfriend and all–Dan thought he should chat about the decision to bum off to Italy for the summer with his girlfriend but dear god why did this have to be the turning point of the episode? Can we stop messing with this fantastic relationship? Thank you.

Back at the Empire, the sleuths have joined forces and Serena thinks she can get away with stealing the planner but, oh wait, everyone’s not an idiot. Oh Serena, you’re going down…and not on the lift. While we’re at the Empire, let us all agree that someone ought to educate the Upper East Siders about Europe. I will happily volunteer to educate Nate…

But okay, I’ll sidestep jealous!Dan, the hilarity that is Diana’s colonialist name (she’s British… let’s call her India!) and the menacing way in which Jack Bass tells Diana/India, “you’ll be taken care of, don’t worry” and get to the asthma attack inducing portion of the episode. The second Blair walked into that room and gasped her beautiful gasp, I knew. I knew it was going to be Bart! I’ve always suspected he wasn’t dead because about how fuzzy they made his death, what with cliffhangers and flashbacks but I honestly thought that was just crappy writing. Before I get too hipster about it, I’d just like to say thank you to the writers for throwing a motherchucking crazy wrench in the works in the build up to what is most probably the last season of GG. How will Lily and Rufus survive this? Chuck’s going to beat him up for being undead, right? And will the reverberations have any affect on Dan and Blair?

All key questions, my friends. We can only wait with baited and slightly wheezy breath. In the mean time, I’ll leave you with my final note:

“Then we go to Best Buy, get a new one. You feel better. In control again”

See you next week for 5×23 “The Fugitives,” which airs at 8/7c on The CW. The episode synopsis and promo will be up on LeakyNews shortly!

  • Shana Debusschere

    As always, you’ve read my mind! :-)

  • Melissa

    “Blair’s Diana Payne impersonation was quite possibly the best thing I’ve seen this morning (and I’ve been on tumblr for hours)” – Rosi, I love you.