Let’s get to the news part of this story right away so I can get right to discussing why this is a movie that should never, ever happen. Like, ever.
According to Deadline, Sony Pictures Animation (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Hotel Transylvania) has nabbed one of the most questionable movie pitches of the century: a film about emoji. Yes, your favorite yellow smileys and hand gestures are being made into a film. Don’t ask me how. What’s more, Sony even won a three-studio bid for the pitch, meaning that two other (somewhat) respectable studios—rumored to be Warner Bros. and Paramount—engaged in an aggressive battle to bring emoji from the smallest screen to the biggest. The movie is set to be co-written by Anthony Leondis and Eric Siegel, the former having been involved with films like Igor and the upcoming multi-star vehicle B.O.O.: Bureau of Otherworldly Operations. Michelle Raimo Kouyate, who has worked on most of Sony Pictures Animation’s slate and produced hits like Silver Linings Playbook and Chocolat, will be producing the project. Oh, and Sony’s deal was close to seven figures. Considering there are no major rights to be purchased to use emoji, that’s a worrisome sum of money. It’s truly special to be living in a *insert Earth emoji here* where tiny emotive icons are given what they’ve been fighting for for so long: a narrative and a voice.
Please enjoy a list containing all the reasons why I would give an emoji movie a big, generic skin-colored thumbs down.
- Will they communicate via emoji? Is that too meta? Will they exist in the real world and be controlled by humans à la The Lego Movie? Can I realistically expect an emoji to carry and advance the plot of an entire film!?! Most of these are rhetorical questions, by the way.
- Emoji are used either a) ironically or b) when you want to get yourself out of an awkward situation. Unless this movie stars the Moon Emoji as the sarcastic, socially-inept lead, it will probably fail.
- People with older phones will just see empty squares the whole time.
- Can we trust a film based on a cheeky method of communication that puts nine cats in the “people” category?
- There is literally no way to incorporate the Poop Emoji tastefully. No way whatsoever.
- It will promote unsafe work practices. This construction worker is clearly asleep on the job.
- Millenials will probably boycott the film unless it changes its name to Emoticons.
So, does the idea of an emoji film make you feel *happy emoji with hearts for eyes* or *exasperated emoji with raised brows and a side eye-roll*? Sound off in the comments below, but only in emoji-descriptives, please.