Glee 5.16 Recap – Get Your Armor


Managing Editor

This week on Glee: Artie’s a horndog with chlamydia, Sam’s a horndog with a heart, and Blaine likes corndogs. (Ok, not corndogs, just food and particularly cronuts, but I had to go for the rhyme.)

This cold open propaganda film throwback about STDs is so ridiculous I can’t tell if I love it or hate it. I think I love it. This also sums up a lot of my feelings about Glee, incidentally.

Blaine is settling nicely into New York, especially its food. He’s developed an obsession with cronuts, which has taken its toll on his already unforgiving wardrobe. He flops around on the bed trying to button his pants until they rip, and realizes he’s been hit by the freshman fifteen.

Artie, meanwhile, is enjoying his upgraded social and sex life thanks to all of the stereotypical film school girl stereotypes. He’s dating three girls but really has eyes for Julie, who he gushes over and the launches into “Addicted to Love” with all of his film school girls parading around him and a montage of him getting busy with said girls. He asks Julie out and she turns him down since they’re working together. Once again, I declare my formal intention to marry Kevin McHale’s voice.

Blaine eats Cheetos in stage combat class while a bunch of dudes fawn over Kurt. Ok, I understand the intention here, but this is so wildly out of character for Blaine. Stress eat? Sure. Sit there wiping Cheeto dust on himself in the middle of class? Not so much. Blaine talks about how he’s thrown off by all of the attention Kurt is getting when he was always the athletic one in high school, and he’s uncomfortable with and jealous of Kurt and his newfound athleticism and sexual object status

Mercedes puts the brakes on her and Sam’s physical relationship, reminding him she’s still a virgin and not ready to go further. This leads to him talking to the guys and all of them agreeing to go get tested for STDs as moral support for Sam and because it’s responsible. Then Blaine tries to feed Kurt frozen hot chocolate because he is super transparent in his attempts at sabotage.

Aaaaaand Artie has chlamydia. Under questioning from the guys, he reveals he doesn’t use condoms and has been sleeping around, awesome. The guys all react with the appropriate amount of outrage, except for Sam, who goes a little overboard yelling “SLUT!” and covering himself in hand sanitizer.

  • Shona

    “Darren Criss broke my heart with his big sad anime-Blaine eyes”

    Couldn’t have said it any better!

  • LOL

    It’s funny how this review leaves off or reduces the incredibly gross shit that Blaine said and thought about Kurt during the entire episode, instead focusing on Kurt being outraged about porn. Nice try, but next time I’ll read reviews by professionals who aren’t Blaine stans with a Tumblr account.

    And, yes, you missed something in the fencing. You can clearly see that Blaine is trying to go after Kurt but he sucks at it and misses it.

    • trine.

      Hold the fuck up you fucked up jerk. There is nothing wrong with watching porn, come on, they are dudes, how could you (or kurt) expect anything else.
      And Blaine doesn’t suck. Blaine is the perfect portrayal of an insecure teenage boy and Kurt is wrong in not supporting him or listening to him.

    • Amanda McAllister

      Things Blaine thought about/did to Kurt during the episode: He is jealous and uncomfortable with Kurt’s newfound physical stature and the reaction it garners. Which I mentioned. Tried to feed him frozen hot chocolate. Which I mentioned. Made a heavy dinner that led to a fight. Which I mentioned.

      Re: Fencing, I saw Blaine “going after” Kurt in a normal fencing way and then Kurt beating him back more aggressively, twice. Blaine was the one getting hurt there..

      I like Blaine, it’s true. The same way Broadway World loves Blaine and Ausiello and co. love Kurt and The Backlot loves every gay character and Vulture kind of hates everything. Anyone who actually likes the show (and is therefore capable of writing any kind of interesting recap) is going to have preferences. It’s not that I have a favorite that’s bothering you, it’s that I don’t have YOUR favorite.

  • Trine

    Spot on! I loved this, it was beautiful.