Now that the Doctor Who Experience has opened at its permanent location in Cardiff and the television series remains well-received by fans, as exemplified by the turnout at the Doctor Who Convention in Cardiff earlier this year and, of course, the cast members’ popularity at San Diego Comic-con earlier in the month, a small part of my mind can’t stop playing with the idea of a Doctor Who theme park. To be quite honest I don’t think it would ever happen, but let’s say on the off-chance one of the Trickster’s Brigade manages to change the course of the universe in our favor, here is what we’d like to see:
- Pitch black ride with occasional flickering lights that reveal…weeping angels. Perhaps there are a couple that jump onto your rollercoaster car when you blink. Best not to blink, really.
- A California Adventure Radiator Springs copycat featuring the Third Doctor’s Bessie in a race against K9. At first I was going to suggest the cars from gridlock but that ride would never get anywhere.
- While we’re copycatting…one of those excellent Twilight Zone/Tower of Terror introductions to an Agatha Christie attraction, titled of course: “A Murder, A Mystery and Agatha Christie.” It would involve a lightning round in which you’d be dropped thirty feet then have to shout out one of her book titles before being whizzed up and dropped down again. The only available beverages at the stall outside the attraction would, of course, be Harvey Wallbangers. Other drop ride possibilites include the mine shaft in “The Impossible Planet”/”Satan Pit” or the elevator shaft in “New Earth.”
- A whizzy TARDIS ride that begins with everyone in seats around the console until a worrying noise occurs and panic ensues. Cloister bell, obviously. Doors fling open and TARDIS opens up to reveal space and asteroids and maybe some Judoon or something.
- Dalek Dodgems. Enough said.
- Adipose-shaped doughnuts, apples with smiley faces on them, fish fingers and custard and Protein One with just a dash of Three all widely available for your consumption. Perhaps some chips, too.
- A rollercoaster around a derelict house with spooky pictures and abandoned beds. A bit creepy, but not terrible, right? Until you get off the ride and see your arms are covered in tally marks…
- Absolutely no rides related to the Slitheen. Or Dalek Sec after he becomes a sort of human thing. No thank you. Put it away.
Or perhaps, to keep things reasonable to the taxpayer, the Doctor Who bit could be one of the “lands” in a larger BBC theme park. In Sherlockland (Baker Street?) the only food sold is nicotine patches and the ride music made up entirely of increasingly agitated violin solos. There would of course be a Pride and Prejudice lake complete with an animatronic Colin Firth and a ghost train ride featuring projections of the ancestors of anyone who appeared on Who Do You Think You Are? It’s a stretch, I know, but I think it shows promise.
What would a Doctor Who park include if you had the choice?